More lame apologies by juicers

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More lame apologies by juicers

Post by Mr Moon on Mon 10 Aug 2009, 10:58 am

More lame apologies by juicers
Big Papi latest to say nothing

Big Popper Ortiz said he was sorry for something. He didn’t know what. The Boston Red Sox erstwhile slugger apologized Saturday for taking an over-the-counter something or other, he didn’t remember what it was, just something he believed would make himself better at his job. It might have been against the agreed-upon rules. It might not have been. Ortiz didn’t know.

One thing he did know: “I never use or buy any steroids,” he said.

To quote Bob Marley, “I shot the sheriff/But I didn’t shoot no deputy.”

The new MLB players union guy, Michael Weiner, really couldn’t help Big Popper because there were court-ordered restrictions on what Weiner was allowed to say and what Ortiz was allowed to know about what it was he was apologizing for. The union couldn’t tell the player what caused his positive drug test in 2003. Could have been Flintstone Chewables.

Never mind that. Ortiz was sincerely sorry. “I definitely was a little bit careless back in those days when I was buying supplements and vitamins over the counter,” he said. How sorry/careless, well, Popper isn’t sure because he couldn’t remember exactly what he was buying.

Back in my Easy Rider youth, I witnessed a guy rip some fine fescue from the ground behind his house, chop it finely, put an ounce of it in a plastic bag and sell it to someone for $30. Honest to Jerry Garcia. Maybe Popper’s experience at the mall supplement store was like that.

Regardless, the steroids-in-baseball story isn’t old. It’s ancient, prehistoric, Charlton Heston-as-Moses carbon-dated. What’s not ancient is hearing the accused. They never Man Up.

I’d love it if someone asked Popper what he really thought. But only if he answered honestly:

“Damn right I did it. What do you think this is, Wiffleball? I’m watching guys who couldn’t hit my curveball deposit big checks in the upper deck. I’m seeing dudes get rich and famous after doing this stuff, and you want me to eat my Wheaties? Get real, Homes.

“As for all you media vultures: If there was a Hemingway Pill, you’d be hitting that bad boy like tomorrow was a rumor. Put that in your Top 10, pencil neck.”

Popper didn’t volunteer that. Neither did Clemens or Sosa or Whoever. Bonds has the personality for it. He didn’t do it, either. He should have. At least we’d respect him in the morning.

The Reds’ Bronson Arroyo came close, saying a few weeks ago, “I’d take anything I can get (from a nutrition store) if you tell me it would make me better on the field.”

Makes sense to me. Anybody know where I can get a Rick Reilly prescription? A couple cc’s of CC (Cris Collinsworth)?

Truth is, we hold these guys to naïvely high standards, then expect not to be let down. The same guys ripping Ortiz, A-Rod, Clemens etc, etc. are the ones gulping the Cialis and getting Lasik. Personally, I don’t care anymore if David Ortiz has Dianabol in his Pez dispenser. I just want him to Man Up.

By now, the Five Stages of Denial are familiar: (1) Shock; (2) Denial (3) Indignance; (4) Slandering The Accuser and (5) Silence: “You must be joking. I didn’t do it. I can’t believe anyone would accuse me, after all I’ve done for the game. My accuser beats his wife and puts ketchup on his eggs. Under the advice of my attorney, I will have no further comment.”

Chronic sports liars, if they stay focused and follow the game plan, can find themselves in a weird parallel universe, in which the truth is whatever they’ve claimed it to be. Call it O.J. World. Pete Rose took a yearly lease there, for more than a decade. Currently, Roger Clemens is on the month-to-month plan.

Anyone doubt that the Juice is in his 5-by-7 right now, reprising Norman Bates in the last scene of “Psycho”?

I’m not saying Ortiz is in that category. In fact, I’m wondering why he apologized at all. He had no idea what he was apologizing for. In the end, neither did I.

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